Fatwas

Don’t Worry Aisha….God’s Cool with it.

I just found a fun website called Islam Question and Answer!   It’s tons of fun.  Just think of the stupidest questions you can think of,  search for them, and you’ll find long drawn out answers and fatwas from Islamic councils and famous Muslim mullahs(priests).  A fatwa is a juristic ruling concerning Islamic law issued by an Islamic scholar.  For a full definition of fatwas, check out the wiki entry.

Or…………….. you can just look through all of my silly questions and answers below.   I spent about 3 hours searching through this entertaining site.  It’s my first exposure to Islam and it’s been awesome!  I love these fatwas.  Though….it’s funny that people actually believe this crap.  I translated the questions a bit but kept the original meaning for each one.

One odd thing I found about this site and about Islam in general is; there are a ton of rules and fatwas centered around peeing on your clothes, farting, having sex with your slaves and marrying Christian girls. You’ll see below. Each question  is a clickable link to the original answer on the site.

Go ahead click the links……..not making anything up.


What are the benefits of drinking camel urine?

The benefits of drinking Camel Urine are astounding.  Islamic scientists have proven that it is useful for:

“the treatment of skin diseases such as ringworm, tinea and abscesses, sores that may appear on the body and hair, and dry and wet ulcers.   Camel’s urine brings the secondary benefits of making the hair lustrous and thick, and removing dandruff from the scalp.   Camel’s milk is also beneficial in treating hepatitis, even if it has reached an advanced stage where medicine is unable to treat it.   Also, camel’s urine is beneficial in treating al-hazaaz, and it was said that al-hazzaz is a pain in the heart caused by anger and so on.”

Can my wife wear perfume when she goes out shopping?

No No No, Bueno!  Perfume is not allowed.  If your wife smells like a Calcutta sewer, too bad.   It is better that she is undesirable.  The real question is: Just what the hell is she doing outside of the house?

Can I copulate with one of my slaves?

Of course you can, just like you have relations with your wife.  But if your slave marries off to another man you must stop because it is not permissible for a woman to have two men.  Go ahead have sex with your slaves!  I suggest buying as many as you can.

“It is permissible for the one who gains possession of male or female slaves to sell them. In both cases – owning a slave through battle or through purchase – it is not permissible for a man to have intercourse with a slave woman until after she has had one menstrual cycle from which it may be established that she is not pregnant. If she is pregnant, then he must wait until she has given birth.”

Are we allowed to Eat Mermaids?

Ibn ‘Aabideen says…… no you cannot eat Mermaids.  It is haram.  That’s bad….   But, Mermaids do exist according to Islamic holy texts.

Why can’t I have a pet Dog?

It is haram. Dog saliva and urine has been proven again and again by Islamic scientists to spread disease and other impurities.  And it is confirmed in the Koran.  Goats on the other hand are clean and pure.

Am I Authorized to Mutually Spank it with my fiance?

Sorry, according to the boss, you gotta sign a marriage contract.  Then all is allowed; even the legendary maple syrup Slip and Slide technique.

I’m a hairy woman.  Can I get my pubes lasered?

Yes but only your armpits.  You must not do your nether regions because that would require someone seeing your “awrah”.  No one must see your “awrah”.

Is it true that a demon will sit on my chest and give me upper respiratory problems if I neglect my prayers?

Bingo!  While some issues are caused by biological reasons, some are caused by wiley demons.   In Arabic they’re called “Jinn”.   Yes…this wonderful piece of wisdom is also in the Hadith.

What do I do if I get semen in my pants?

This has an in depth answer but basically, wash you clothes and wash your bodies.  And what ever you do…….do it before you pray.  Allah most merciful will not listen to you if you have jizz in you pants.  It is haram.

Can I pee standing up as long as I don’t get any drops on my pants?

It’s better to sit down to pee.  Why?  First, it’s easier to hide your “awrah”(wiener).  Second, it’s easier to shake it and not get drops of pee yourself.   If you get pee on your pants, Allah most merciful will not listen to your prayers.  Most Merciful Allah doesn’t like pee pee pants.  I suppose Doodiepants are also frowned upon.

Oh the fun of fatwas………….be entertained.  Comments?  Questions?  I always respond.